When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
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Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
[Cop flashes headlights behind me]
WIFE: I think he wants you to stop
ME: No I think he wants a street race
[A few minutes later]
ME: *taking a corner at 90mph* Guess I was right again, huh Linda
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
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Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
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i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now
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I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
This is no longer winter this is harassment
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.