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I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Lmao the reply
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers