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The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
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Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.
me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?
boss: yes of course but this is-
me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?
boss: -a funeral home.
About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room