The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
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A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
her: kids grow up so fast these days
me: I know, it was scary when I asked my daughter how old she was and she held up three fingers
her: exactly!
me: she wouldn’t tell me where she found them
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
I asked my husband to play bagpipes at my funeral so I can be happy that I’m dead.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.