The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
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It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
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So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.