Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
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Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?