that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
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sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense