Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
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Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”