When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
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PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”