My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
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[at a chemistry convention]
Him: “You’re so-dium cute, but are you always this salty?”
Me: “Na, not always. Just periodically.”
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands