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Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything