If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
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Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it