Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
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Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Smile they said.
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
A short story about romance.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Nice try, poison.
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day