Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
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One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
STEWARDESS: omg the plane’s about to crash but the SOS message can only be 140 characters! what are we going to do??
ME: *slowly stands up*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.