if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
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To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it