Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
You Might Also Like
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
*coroner takes picture of my body after I’m brutally murdered*
Me: delete it
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
date: do you like reading?
me: *holding menu upside down* is it spicy?
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.