ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
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Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
me hitting on a model
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
ATTENTION MEN: STOP BUYING YOUR GIRLFRIEND FLOWERS AND PERFUME FOR VALENTINE’S DAY AND GET HER WHAT SHE REALLY WANTS. A SWORD
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Hit me in the face with a bird
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Look, I don’t have kids, and I’m not a lawyer, but if YOU have kids and could start up a Baby Fight Club and video the results, I really think it would help bring this country together.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.