Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
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Daughter: Daddy, can I have breakfast?
Me: *puts up hand* Talk to the hand.
Daughter: *into my hand like she’s ordering at a drive thru* I’d like some pancakes.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
That one time (today) I stabbed my eyeball with the stick part of my sunglasses.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
🤔😂😂
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.