Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
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I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
This could’ve been an email.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Everyone hates millennials until it’s time to convert a PDF into a Word document
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.