crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
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Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*