Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
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No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
he chose this
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
⚠️ Important Reminder:
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
My son’s girlfriend always peels out of the driveway like a car chase from the Rockford Files.
I admire her spirit, but I have to live with my neighbors.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion