“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
i was baptized in a car wash
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…