What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
You Might Also Like
Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
since hollywood has run out of original ideas how about we switch it up with these remakes. let’s see a pixar version of terminator or quentin tarantino’s adaptation of pride and prejudice or lin manuel turn sharknado into a musical
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
i wish i could marry a nap
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table