There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
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Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Story of my life…..
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Hey! This isn’t my car!
🖤✌🏽
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.