I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
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Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people