If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
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The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
After buying my limousine, I couldn’t afford a driver.
All that money and nothing to chauffer it.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.
I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?