*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
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[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Husband: no
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.