Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
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Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.