If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
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Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Very problematic
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me: Hey, do you want to go buy some-
Wife: YES!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.