assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
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There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.