“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
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Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
I’m just a mom on winter break, standing in front of my kids’ school asking, “HOW BIG OF A CHECK DO I NEED TO WRITE FOR YOU TO RE-OPEN?”
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
“and how does that make you feel?”
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.