Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
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Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
[first day at the cia]
supervisor: we need you to plant these bugs.
me: [nodding furiously] because that’s where they live.
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
I told someone that I’d be happy to set up a meeting with them at their convenience and they scheduled it for 4 o’clock on a Friday so I reported them to HR
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless