“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
It’s so cute how you think wearing that cross around your neck exempts you from being a reasonable human being
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My childhood music teacher posted on FB that she’d become a grandmother. I excitedly wrote “You were pregnant with your daughter when I was in Kindergarten now she’s a mom & I even remember you named her Beth Ann I loved Washington School!” & now I know why people avoid FB.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
How do you like your Corgi?
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.