Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
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If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
Ugh but profoundly
My safe word is Worcestershire
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Show me a woman in a Tweety Bird t-shirt and I’ll show you a woman who shoplifts in the grocery store.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I watch football on a dodgy box but follow the match on twitter. There is about a 1 minute delay with the dodgy box so I give my prediction to my son as to who will score next. My record is 100% and my son thinks I’m a genius.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?