OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[bedtime]
SON: I want a monster story.
ME: Sure. This one’s called “The evil co-worker that reheated fish in the microwave.”
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
This is my emotional support knife.
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.