How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
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When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
Kid: What’s this?
Me: A napkin holder
K: What’s a napkin?
M: You wipe your hands on it when they’re dirty
K: You mean like the couch?
M: …
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
When Cookie Monster stays in bed and eats cookies all day it’s hilarious and adorable.
But when I do it, people are all, “Excuse me, you’re making a mess. You’ve been here for hours and if you’re not going to buy a mattress, you have to leave.”
LA today:
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
❤️❤️❤️
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”