Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
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doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The hardest part of parenting is sharing the chocolate chip cookies. And your heart walking around outside your body. But mainly cookies.
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.