One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
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me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
I’m a savant in that I can look at any block of cheese, no matter the size, and tell you exactly how many Triscuits you’ll need to eat it all.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said