I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
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If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
When I get a girlfriend, what do I feed it
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???