You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
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Husband: where you off to?
Me: bathroom
Husband: you have to pee again?
Me: no, I gotta cough
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake