Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
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The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
*judge bangs gavel*
Ok let’s reconvene after a quick 20 min recess
*immediately knocks over defense attorney to get to the slide first*
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning