I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
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Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…