I think long & hard before using innuendo.
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[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.