[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Her: I think my boyfriend’s cheating.
Friend: Oh no! Why do you say that?
Her: He’s passing his exams but he never studies.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT