If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
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Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Don’t ask me to kill a spider for you & then criticize my methods. Yes, I had to use a samurai sword, & no, I’m not sorry about your table.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Every damn time