*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
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Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Who called it a muzzle and not a hush puppy?
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Wife texts husband ‘Windows frozen’, husband texts wife ‘try bucket of warm water’, wife texts husband ‘computer not working at all now’
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.