Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
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“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Can Happiness buy money?
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL