I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
You Might Also Like
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
Me: I’m tired
My brain: turn on the tv
Me: but I need sleep
My brain: go pay some bills
Me: I’m so exhausted
My brain: oRgAnIzE yOuR sPiCes
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!