Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
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Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
What a year we’ve had this week.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
Why is it called ‘Your Bowels’ and not ‘Your Instinks’