Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
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[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
How long do you have to wait between naps?
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
It’s so hot at work I need to wear as little clothes as possible without being sent to HR
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241